Been trying to continue my final project, but I don’t know why I got stuck. Not that I don’t know what to write, I do know what to write, still, my brain can’t focus. It’s been two hours I sat in this comfy doughnut cafe, trying to concentrate, but it’s getting hard. So here I am, trying to write what is really running in my head. To clear some space a bit, with a hope I can focus to my final project after I finish.
So, what’s with my life lately? Lots happened. A hopelessly romantic movie and novel I watched and read, another too-familiar-chest-pain as the side effect of scrolling down my social media timeline and found most of my friends having fun with their spouse, a 5-day getaway out of town, and the continuation of my final project. Those things pretty much sum up my last 2 weeks.
I got tired myself. Tired of having this feeling of, well, you can say jealous, of other people happy relationship. I know maybe deep down I need it for myself. Some say it could be a food for the soul. Need that thing so-called relationship. I don’t think I’m a too much dependent woman, but everyone need their other halves, right? I know, I have learnt my lesson. It is better to wait a little longer than have everything happened quick only to leave you heartbroken in the end. Yeah, you don’t have to tell me twice. I’m fully aware of that.
Who ever want to have a broken heart anyway?
Well, I cried last night. Before last night, I don’t remember when was the last time I cry. Sometimes you just need to do that, hm? Lock yourself in a room, turn the light off, hug some pillows then cry all you want like the world doesn’t even care. Well, just so you know, it doesn’t. When you’re alone it’s just you. You cry for the sake of yourself and yourself only. To look for some relieve. To cope.
That’s why I did. Cried and talk to myself about what I want, what I wish, my dreams. Talk all I want with no judgment from anyone.
Nah, I’m not depressed. I know when I’m depressed since I have gone through it. It was dark. It is not dark now. It’s just I’m not living the brightest. Sometimes it’s just got a little cloudy. Well, that’s me now.
I miss being treated like I am someone special in anybody’s life. I miss the feeling like I’m their favorite. Miss the feeling being accompanied. Miss being understood. Miss just being silly and laugh for no reason. Miss being taken care of. Is it alright to have these feelings?
Maybe I’m too emotional. Having too much feelings, feel everything a little too much. I have to admit, I do. That’s me. An over punctual woman, a fat girl, a lady who doesn’t even know how to apply make up, a woman who have trauma of being yelled at, a girl who sometimes can cry without any cause.
I’m living my life pretty much better than I did, let’s say, 6 months ago. I feel much stronger, much myself. Maybe this is the part of being fully healed. Part of getting stronger. Part of being truly me without even caring about what the world said.
I’m still here. I’m trying my best.
Well, I don’t know what more to write. I’ll go back to my final project and let’s see if I can finally focus. Ciao for now.
Ayunda's Notes 