Restart

Hello, to the passionate-hearty-writer part of myself

So, this blog actually records well on how long since the last time I was really writing about myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I write for a living, thanks to the position of being the head of journalist department. But writing for my own good, pouring my head and heart out in a writing? This one here will be my restart button.

Life happens. That will be the answer if you ask where the hell have I been all this time. Life here as in the life consisted of lots of work and me trying hard to console myself over youknowwhat. No one maybe really read what I wrote here, since I don’t really publish this blog domain. But yes, youknowwhat means love life.

So this is what happen on my youknowwhat since the last time I wrote here:

As usual me trying to be the best cheerleader for my own fvcking sake, the facts that 2 of my department staffs at work tied the knot, countless friends got either engaged or married, friends (as always) posted their happy life with their spouses, and back to me crying over my own loneliness, one night of me pouring my heart out shamelessly (I might add) to my close friend about my fear, my insecurities, and one night when a friend of mine “slapped” me in the face telling me of how lame I am in terms of my youknowwhat, how selfish I am as a woman when it comes to loving a man, and how time still hasn’t heal me about my past (yesterday I dreamed about the last man on earth I ever want to meet, get in touch or let alone dream about. thankyouverymuch, universe)

Hell, that was hard. I still suffer and struggle, if you curious. People said that you have to be happy with your own self, before you want to have someone in your life. They said we can’t force other people to make us feel happy. Please pardon me, but I find this line is a bunch of bullshit.

I tried. It didn’t work. I tried to cheer myself. I do all I know that possibly can make me happy. But all of them just temporarily. Like when you listen to your favorite song in the radio on your way home from work and the traffic is bumper to bumper, then the song comes to an end and you have to get back to the fact that you’re jammed in the middle of traffic. You feel good when you sing along with your favorite singer. But then when the song ends and you face the fact that you’re actually stuck in your car, alone, that’s when the reality slaps back at you. The reality that in the end you’re still alone in this freaking traffic jam.

I did my hobbies, I did my work, I hung out with my best personal-laughing-machine friends. But in the end when I snapped out of all that, the loneliness grabbed me again. With full force, I might add.

You don’t know how I’m totally sick with all this. This feeling. This emptiness, this loneliness, this desire to be wanted by a man. This longing feeling of a man care enough for me to just even ask silly simple question of how’s my day. I hate this side of myself. I told you enough in previous blog posts, yes? I’m sick of just writing another draft in my laptop about the stories of a man and a woman while imagining the woman is me and the man is someone I wish I had in my life. All of them are unfinished, just so you know. I fail to engage myself even in terms of how I supposed to end every stories that I wrote. Because right now, I don’t know anything about that. All I know men were leaving me, in the end. This already feels like a template of how men treated me in my life so far.

I want to cure myself. I do. But please enough saying that the time will come, or saying that I have to be happy about myself. Or any of those bullshits trying to give me shots of resilience. I start to wonder whether you all already gave me too much of those shots till they only make me become one of those people in the movie Equals (2016) where they have no emotion. That is my biggest scare in my life right now.

I don’t want to be like Terminator, a robot with no feelings or emotions whatsoever. I want to feel again. I want to be treated as how a woman should’ve been treated, having a man respects her enough in her life.

 

I think there’s something wrong with my wish yes? I guess that’s always been too much to asked from a pathetic woman like me.

Dear whoever, I want you as quick as you can get here. Help me fix this emptiness because I’m a glass waiting to be filled. A glass can never fill itself, right?

“There’s strength in needing other people. Not weakness.”

(Burnt, 2015)

 

 

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Life is Like An Elevator

Ever wonder how things that happen in your life can just be your step back in one moment then be the whip you need to wake you up and get you back on your feet in the next? That I’m talking, happen in one same thing in your life.

I mean, well, talking about heart. One day you found your heart is broken and the next you found that your broken heart just got you stronger than ever then you moved on and continue with your life. If you’re lucky, you found the better version of your life than before.

Just experienced that these past few weeks I guess.

My close friend always tell me that I deserve a lot better than the men I have chosen in my life. I mean, they told me, how I am too much of an independent, strong, kindhearted, and loving woman to deserve someone like them. That makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with my decision making system?

Then I think about what people said. That we have to love ourselves first in order to let other people love us. So when they leave, we’ll be okay since we know we always got ourselves to feel loved. This is not easy for me. I mean history talking, I’m not good with my self confidence. That depression state I went through was hard enough. And I don’t think I have completely recovering from that. Although it’s just not much left about that. I heal, just need a little bit more effort to make it complete. So right now, I just try to have fun with my life. With all I got, with who I really am, and all that I feel inside. It’s a struggle but I think it will worth all the difficulties.

Men come and go, all they want. They forgot no matter how short their stay, they always leave footprints in someone’s life. They forgot that sometimes it is not easy for other people to just erase that footprints.

I still have questions lingering on my mind. About so many things. About the reason, about the decision, about the feelings, about every single thing that happen. But then, my favorite German, Jurgen Klopp, said, “Do not worry about things that you can not change.”

The questions in my mind, they’re all in the past. Although they left unanswered, they are all in the past. There’s nothing I can do to change that, nothing I can do to answer it since the only one who got the answer just disappear in the wind.

So moving on is the answer. Letting go. Do not holding on to something that you should have let go. You will only hurt yourself.

Be brave. Take a new step. Be true to yourself. Enjoy life. I read an interesting quote few days ago. It said, “life is like an elevator. Sometimes on your way up you have to let people off.”

So this is my way up. This is my elevator. People may push the button from the outside and open my door. They get in. There’s no guarantee that they will follow all my journey till up there. Maybe they push the button again to stop at some floor, to take their step out of the elevator. But does that mean that my elevator should just stop forever in that floor and not continuing the journey up? That would be the stupidest thing.

Like I always said, life is good, life is kind. No need to be so negative about things that happen in your life, right? Because in the end, you never know, that maybe it could be the best thing that happen to you in your life. Be grateful. Always.

 

 

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Left

Demikian saja

Seperti aroma petrichor setelah hujan kau menghampiri

memberi rasa yang lama ditunggu hadirnya lagi

memberi pengharapan akan sebuah rasa

lalu pergi begitu saja

hilang

hanya meninggalkan basah

 

adakah aku melintas dalam pikirmu disana?

hanya selewat saja

adakah?

atau hanya pikirku yang berlebihan disini

terjerat oleh memori dan harapan yang menguap?

 

Atau kiranya hanya aku yang terlalu penuh harap?

Mengapa harus kau yang mengajarkanku untuk kembali percaya pada banyak hal?

mengapa harus kau yang hadir untuk mengembalikan keyakinanku,

hanya untuk kembali pergi dan menghancurkan semuanya?

 

Semesta,

jika boleh aku meminta

biarkan saja aku sendiri

daripada bersama namun tak pernah menjadi dua

daripada akhirnya hanya akan merasakan lagi pahitnya ditinggalkan

 

Ada sepi yang kukira lenyap bersama dengan hadirnya

Ada sudut berdebu yang kukira perlahan bersih ketika ia menghampiri

Ada luka yang kukira semakin sembuh ketika ia menyentuhnya

namun mengapa semua hanya berakhir dengan rasa sakit yang sama?

 

Tolong jangan hilangkan rasa percayaku pada kebaikan cinta, Tuhan.

Aku juga ingin merasakan yang mereka rasakan.

Bahagia bersama mereka yang disebut pasangan

Terlalu banyakkah pintaku?

 

 

 

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Hening

Sudut itu sudah lama sepi. Didalamnya ada luka yang masih sering menyakiti dirinya sendiri. Sesosok jiwa terdiam di perantara. Masa lalu tak pernah menyediakan jawaban. Tapi masa depan terlalu sunyi untuk dilaluinya sendiri. Kemana perginya riuh menenggelamkan itu?

Senja berlalu pergi kesekian kali. Ada kosong yang masih belum terisi, menekuri dinding yang mulai dibangunnya sendiri. Kemana perginya suara suara senyap itu? Adakah mungkin semua karam di sepasang samuderamu?

Izinkan sebuah hati tenggelam di lautan hangat pandangmu lebih lama dari sebuah jarak detik antara kilasan tatap dan senyum ragu ragu. Sempatkah sebuah debar menelusup diantara dekap dekat langkah dan bayang dari kepergian jejakmu yang kian jauh?

Sepasang jendela tertutup terlalu cepat. Ada rasa yang ingin kembali menemukan muara. Kapan lagi bisa sebuah jiwa merasuk menyelami biru hangatmu? Agar dapat kupulangkan rindu di kedalaman sepasang matamu.

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Exhausted

You need silence to appreciate voices.
You need emptiness to appreciate being filled.
You need loneliness to appreciate company.
But what if you had more silence, emptiness and loneliness than you can deal with?

Is it wrong to feel that way? To feel empty and lonely?
I’m barely 21, I know. I still have a long way ahead of me to get through rather than thinking too much about so called love and relationship. But do you have any idea what is it like to be in a world when you are on your own and everyone around you are having fun with their love life? Getting engaged, got married, having fun meeting parents of their spouse, planning their future together and many other things happy couples do.
Is it wrong that I want to have that for myself? To feel being in a real, a happy relationship just for once in my life. Being in a relationship that strengthen me, that made me smile rather than frown, bring out happy tears rather than tears of sadness.
Is it wrong that part of my heart broke everytime I see a happy couple right in front of my eyes? Is it wrong that I feel envy of them? Is it wrong?

For how longer should I feel this way? How longer should I keep convincing myself that I’ll be okay alone? How longer should I keep making myself believe that a man one day will look at me the way I always wish a man would? How longer, universe? How longer?

I don’t even know if it is right for me to feel this way. I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t feel anymore.

I’m fed up with all of these.

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Scream of My Mind

I’ve been called a weak woman for my inability to hold back my tears and a pussy to my own fucked up mind once,

and since then I have difficulties to determine what the hell should I do about my  emotions.

Screw you, crazy ex bf! Go fuck up with other girls’ life.

Ever feel when all you want is to cry but then you second guess yourself by asking, “should I cry about this? Is it okay, if I cry about this? Am I too weak for crying about this?” ?
Ever feel when you feel something build up inside you, then you ask yourself whether is it okay to feel those feelings?

It hurts, and sometimes I began to think, “suck it up, and be stronger.”

No more being a pussy to my own life, no more being a tear jerk.

 

But let me remind you,

I ain’t either Spock or an emotionless human. Though even Spock feels emotion but rather not showing it.

I raised with the sensitivity to feel all kind of emotion. That’s one of  the reason this blog even exist.

This loneliness starts screwing myself up, I guess. And yet, now I wonder to myself again, “is it wrong to feel lonely?”

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Dreams

A woman can dream, can she?

But what if she has dreamed too long, and now she has just little faith left that all her dreams might get real?

That pretty much sums up what I feel now.

I know I’m barely 21. I haven’t even finish my college. I know I still got a long way ahead of me. But looking around, everything seems to goes on so fast that I felt left out.

I don’t have to tell you anymore, how many of my friends are now hitched. 2 of them already got their kid and the other one got the bun in the oven. And me? Here I am looking in the mirror and said to myself, “what on earth are you doing?”.

Good stuff takes time. I know. It’s what I keep reminding myself. But do you know how hard it is too keep convincing yourself the same thing over and over again for such a long period of time? it’s started to get a little frustrating.

I know I shouldn’t have thinking too much about this. There are still a lot of stuff I haven’t got done. But still, I just can’t help myself.

Another cousin’s wedding happened yesterday and another one is just around the corner. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. Both couple look like a match made in heaven. They are lucky to have each other. Their husband (my cousins) are ones of the good men, even the one that got married yesterday started it all in high school. Yep, practically speaking they’re high school sweethearts that finally start their future together. I don’t have to talk about the wedding that comes around the corner. That couple is one of the reason I can get envy every time I open my social media.

My point, it’s been just two years I have this “single woman” predicate labelled to my not-so-beautiful body, but it already feels like ages. Women and couples around me are making their way to the happiness of a lifetime, and I'[m still being a pathetic woman who all that she can do is being envy to practically all the happy couples around them.

I still dream. I still am. Even now I dream with a little worry and a little caution. I’m scared that if I have my dreams too high, I’m not ready to take the fall. I’m scared that my past still overshadow my dreams. There are still some nights that I find myself crying before bed, hoping things to get better, and hoping if only my dreams can ever get through. That if only I can have a man by my side. The one I hopelessly in love with.

I never asked for a perfect man. I am already too crazy to understand that such thing is not exist. A woman deserved to be understood, right? I just need that. A man that can understand me. All my faulty, my worry, my tears, my laughs, my dreams. I never said loving me is an easy thing to do. It never was and it never will. I realized maybe I am too hard to be loved and that’s one of the reason I’m writing these pathetic, self-pitying lines in the first place. I’m over punctual, too rigid, emotional, short-tempered woman. I have no intention of joking when I write those adjectives. Yes, that’s me. But again, every woman deserved to be understood, right?

Pardon my frustrated slash desperate lines. Can’t help myself. But for the sake of the truth, I do kind of frustrated now. When every one’s life seems going equivalently to a “happily ever after” plot, mine seems like it’s going for an ugly-duckling-life plot. I know eventually at the end of the story that duck turns out not so ugly, but still, waiting is not my best game. I have never been good with patience my whole life.

I don’t want to push my destiny. I still believe that every thing has its own time. It’s just maybe I’m already too scared, I’m already tired

 

 

of being alone.

 

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Me, You and Waiting

I don’t know to whom should I address this note. There are a few that have come to my mind but one that occassionally I whispered in my prayer. So maybe this will be addressed to him.

It’s you soft shady brown eyes. Always been you.

How are you? I haven’t heard from you quite a while. Enjoying life I guess. Saw your photo with a woman few days ago, so I think your life goes on much better than mine.

Well, not that I am not enjoying life. I am. It’s just, have you ever feel that somehow you felt that your life has a giant hole in it? That somehow you feel incomplete? Maybe that is what I am feeling right now.

Lots of people have said to me that I shouldn’t judged myself from my past. That I shouldn’t be so hard on myself based on my past. That I am a whole lot better than anyone ever judged me. That I am a beautiful, independent woman that one day deserves my own happy ending with so-called love and relationship. I always try my hardest to make myself believe that. But I never know things can be harder than any hard things I’ve ever faced in life.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to believe it. I do. It’s just so hard. I keep convincing myself but in the end I keep stumbled upon my own thoughts reminiscing moments in the past. I hate that I remember things too well. I sometimes hate myself that feels all the feelings too much. Seems like nothing I can do to fix it.

Ever wonder that maybe you have too much love inside of you? That maybe you need to share it? I tried once, you know. Sharing my love, with lots of sacrifices and dedications, but it only ended up with me making my spouse chained. Stuck for things that he wasn’t ready.

Then I asked myself, is there any other way you can love someone that won’t include sacrifice and dedication from the pure heart? I never stop wondering.

I am giving it all to fate. I know things will happen when the time is right. But life never taught me a good deed about waiting.

To you, whoever that life has prepared for me. I am here. I don’t know when will our path be crossed and we will spend the rest of our lives together, but I am here. I know you will come when your time is right. I know life will surprised me, but please don’t take your time too long. Waiting has never been my middle name.

To soft shady brown eyes, I wonder if you ever even think of me? I wonder if you ever know that sometimes I look at our photo in my phone before I sleep and smile at it? I wonder if you ever miss singing the old song playlist together? I wonder. I always do.

Because I always remember how I felt safe when I was riding with you. How happy I was when we laugh over silly things together. How happy I was when you do stuffs from me. And how groggy I was when I woke you up from your slumber that morning. I wonder if you ever notice I always bought the morning snack that you love and put it in the front desk of the boys room for you. I wonder if you know how I love to hear your voice as a muadzin and imam. Have you ever think of it? I’m sorry but I have missed you too much. I really do.

Tu me manques, W.

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Just Me

Been trying to continue my final project, but I don’t know why I got stuck. Not that I don’t know what to write, I do know what to write, still, my brain can’t focus. It’s been two hours I sat in this comfy doughnut cafe, trying to concentrate, but it’s getting hard. So here I am, trying to write what is really running in my head. To clear some space a bit, with a hope I can focus to my final project after I finish.

So, what’s with my life lately? Lots happened. A hopelessly romantic movie and novel I watched and read, another too-familiar-chest-pain as the side effect of scrolling down my social media timeline and found most of my friends having fun with their spouse, a 5-day getaway out of town, and the continuation of my final project. Those things pretty much sum up my last 2 weeks.

I got tired myself. Tired of having this feeling of, well, you can say jealous, of other people happy relationship. I know maybe deep down I need it for myself. Some say it could be a food for the soul. Need that thing so-called relationship. I don’t think I’m a too much dependent woman, but everyone need their other halves, right? I know, I have learnt my lesson. It is better to wait a little longer than have everything happened quick only to leave you heartbroken in the end. Yeah, you don’t have to tell me twice. I’m fully aware of that.

Who ever want to have a broken heart anyway?

Well, I cried last night. Before last night, I don’t remember when was the last time I cry. Sometimes you just need to do that, hm? Lock yourself in a room, turn the light off, hug some pillows then cry all you want like the world doesn’t even care. Well, just so you know, it doesn’t. When you’re alone it’s just you. You cry for the sake of yourself and yourself only. To look for some relieve. To cope.

That’s why I did. Cried and talk to myself about what I want, what I wish, my dreams. Talk all I want with no judgment from anyone.

Nah, I’m not depressed. I know when I’m depressed since I have gone through it. It was dark. It is not dark now. It’s just I’m not living the brightest. Sometimes it’s just got a little cloudy. Well, that’s me now.

I miss being treated like I am someone special in anybody’s life. I miss the feeling like I’m their favorite. Miss the feeling being accompanied. Miss being understood. Miss just being silly and laugh for no reason. Miss being taken care of. Is it alright to have these feelings?

Maybe I’m too emotional. Having too much feelings, feel everything a little too much. I have to admit, I do. That’s me. An over punctual woman, a fat girl, a lady who doesn’t even know how to apply make up, a woman who have trauma of being yelled at, a girl who sometimes can cry without any cause.

I’m living my life pretty much better than I did, let’s say, 6 months ago. I feel much stronger, much myself. Maybe this is the part of being fully healed. Part of getting stronger. Part of being truly me without even caring about what the world said.

I’m still here. I’m trying my best.

Well, I don’t know what more to write. I’ll go back to my final project and let’s see if I can finally focus. Ciao for now.

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Just About My Cheetah-Like Brain

So, been trying to write some, yeah, some non sense stuff here lately but my right thumb got a deep cut making me barely can type on my phone. But my head is already running thousand miles per hour wandering anywhere and the only way to stop it is by writing. Here I am. Screw the cut thumb, I’m telling you what’s bugging my head.

I am basically a girl slash woman (take your pick) that can barely live with no book. So everytime I go for a long time from home or if I expect that I will be doing some waiting, I’ll bring book in my bag. Novels. Sappy romantic novel with a happy ending. Yep, note that, with a happy ending! My love life deserves a happy ending even if it means the love life in my imaginary perfect world based on the novel I read.

So, I didn’t bring any book on my latest getaway to Semarang. Lucky me, my Dad offered paying my favorite bookstore a visit. The visit ended up with me carrying a novel. The one that I always wonder why people talked about it a lot. Well, now, I know why.

The novel is about a married couple that try to cope with the loss of their son. They grief in their own way, not knowing that the best way to get over their grief is by letting each other in, not by letting each other go.

Nah, I won’t talk about any grief, actually nothing about this novel plot. It’s just somehow this novel got me thinking. “How does it feel to have someone really care for you? Making effort to make you happy, doing everything in their own way to make you feel loved, never comment on how you look, but appreciate whatever wrong stuff you’re wearing. How does it feel having someone who never judge your sadness and always cherish your happiness?”

 

I’m telling you, I’m not good at waiting. Waiting is the most boring activity. Usually related to someone is being late. But that’s not what happen to love. Sometimes it is much better to wait for love than expect or look for it quick and have your heart breaks to pieces in the end. Nah, I want to skip that part. Not with the broken heart again. I’m still mending mine, and it will be too precious to be broken again by any irresponsible jerk.

I almost heal. That is one thing that makes me proud. I got through again. Like Daughtry said in one of his song, “the day I thought I never get through, I got over you.”

So I am moving on from the person who did all these mess. No more contacts, no more talks, not even any meeting with him again. I find out that my life is better without him. But ever wonder to yourself that sometime you miss being treated nicely by the person you care the most? Being in all those romantic situation and makes your sweetest dream come true. That’s what happen to my head and why it runs like cheetah. I miss those feelings and I start wonder what kind of man someday would give me the reality from my sweetest dream. The man I oneday proudly call as my husband.

It’s normal right? I mean I’m turning 20 this year and I found out that it turns out lots of my friends already got married and have kids. I’m just creating my own picture perfect in my mind.

I still believe life will surprises me. In its own beautiful way. But still can’t help myself not to think about it. How would my love life look like in the future? What would it feel like to have someone calling you the love of their life and mean it?

Dear You, whoever you are. This woman here is not an easy one to handle. She got herself messed up too much sometimes, she got wrapped up in her own head too often and she has no body like any supermodels you see on TV.

But she has a heart. A repeatedly-broken-yet-healed heart that has been waiting for you. She made a promise to herself, she will love who her heart chose. So it will be you. Do her a favor though, treat her the way she treats you. Don’t yell at her since it traumatizes her. Never be late since it is the easiest way to piss her off. Be the man of her dreams. That is all she asks. If it is too much, then talk to her. Don’t just go and start blame her for everything she asks. And when she doesn’t give you everything you expect don’t just walk away. She has been left too much. She can’t handle anymore broken heart. Dear You, she’s been waiting for you. Take your time to reach her. Come when the time is right because she believes true love is like rain and twilight; it never comes late.

 

Told you, this is just another nonsense writing of mine. Don’t take it too personal, let alone, making you baper. Trust me this is just me dealing with how I feel since I don’t have anyone I can tell freely about my feelings to. That is all.

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