Tentang yang Mereka Sebut Pasangan Hidup

Ada beberapa kemelut hidup yang pelan-pelan akan kau temui masa dimana mau tidak mau akan kau bahas.

Tak peduli bagaimanapun mengelak, umurmu tak akan berhenti. Lalu tiba saatnya kau diharuskan, siap tidak siap harus menjadi dewasa.

Pernikahan.

Satu kata yang siap membuat hidupmu berputar 360 derajat. Jangan tanya bagaimana aku tahu rasanya, karena aku sendiri belum menikah. Tapi bukankah pengalaman orang lain adalah salah satu sumber terbaik sebuah ilmu?

Beberapa malam yang lalu, sempat aku merasa gundah. Undangan teman seangkatanku (untuk yang ke 4 kalinya) hadir. Tak secara khusus memang aku diundang, tapi aku tahu, sudah 4 teman seangkatan kuliahku, seperjuanganku menuntut kerasnya ilmu psikologi, telah menikah (yang satu akan menikah dalam hitungan hari).

Gundah? Entahlah itu perasaan yang normal atau tidak atas situasi ini, tapi aku harus jujur atas perasaanku sendiri. Ditambah lagi banyak postingan teman temanku yang lain memamerkan kemesraan mereka dengan pasangan (yang seringnya temanku sendiri juga) di banyak media sosial. Mengelak demi perasaanku sendiri? Percayalah, berulang kali berusaha kulakukan, tapi yang ada aku mendapat pelajaran dari tupai. Sepintar apapun ia melompat ia pasti akan jatuh juga. Begitu juga aku. Sepintar apapun aku mengelak menyaksikan postingan “pameran” kemesraan banyak pasangan di luar sana, tetap aku tak bisa.

Lalu, hidup mengetuk pikiranku. Menamparku sedikit keras atas kebodohanku membiarkan diriku sendiri merana terlalu jauh. Terlalu dalam untuk hal yang terlalu, entahlah.

Hidup menyuguhkanku kenyataan. Sebuah fakta yang terpampang jelas dihadapanku, yang seharusnya kuperhatikan sebelum kubiarkan gundah menyelimutiku.

Mencari pasangan hidup bukan perihal semudah membeli sandal jepit. Sandal jepit bisa dengan mudah kau temukan di warung. Bahkan di pinggir jalan banyak penjaja sandal jepit dengan ragam model dan harga. Tak perlu kau terlalu menyulitkan dirimu dalam sebuah pencarian. Sandal jepit itu kebutuhan sejuta umat. Tapi lagi, bukan sandal jepit topik utama disini.

Entah harus dengan apa pencarian pasangan hidup itu diibaratkan. Mungkin tak perlulah. Jika kau butuh penyelesaian soal matematika, ada jutaan buku rumus yang bisa membantumu, tapi penyelesaian pencarian pasangan hidup, bahkan ada orang yang baru menemukannya di masa senja hidupnya.

Kau boleh berangan panjang, mengurutkan semua persyaratanmu atas impian seorang pasangan hidup ideal menurutmu. Tapi kembali lagi, suratan jodoh bukan di tanganmu. Kau dipersilakan berusaha memilih yang terbaik, meskipun pilihanmu sebenarnya sudah disimpan sang Pencipta Hidupmu. Menyenangkan bukan permainan semesta? Tak ada yang seinstan mie. Semua harus kau perjuangkan sendiri. Bahkan untuk mencari yang disebut orang belahan hati.

Pertunjukan yang disajikan hidup membuatku sadar, tak usah memusingkan jodoh yang hanya Tuhan yang tahu kapan akan dipertemukan denganmu. Mendidik diri sendiri untuk menjadi pribadi yang baik akan membuat waktumu jauh lebih bermanfaat dengan jaminan hasil yang akurat.

Satu hal yang pasti, jika dirimu baik, maka kelak jodohmu akan baik. Itu satu hal yang aku dan kau boleh percaya. Baik bukan saja perihal kata sifat. Baik bisa luas maknanya ketika baik itu tidak hanya tentang pribadimu sendiri. Baik juga bermakna bagaimana kau memposisikan dirimu berhubungan dengan orang di sekitarmu. Baik juga bermakna bagaimana kau bisa menghormati orang orang di sekitarmu yang memang seharusnya kau hormati.

Memilih pasangan hidup itu bukan perkara mencari orang yang kau senangi senyumnya, atau yang sekadar kau kagumi parasnya. Percayalah, kehidupan berjalan tak akan pernah memandang hal hal fisik ciptaan Tuhan. Sejelek apapun kau dikata orang, kau tetap punya hidup kan? Hidupmu tak berhenti hanya karena fisikmu tak cocok di mata seorang dua orang manusia.

Pasangan hidup itu orang yang mau menuntunmu saat hidup membuatnu dalam keadaan sulit. Ia sosok yang kau tahu tetap ada di sampingmu sedalam apapun kau terjatuh. Ia rela mengorbankan waktunya yang mungkin hanya satu dua menit hanya untuk menanyakan apakah kau sudah makan? Sesederhana hanya karena di kesibukannya ia tetap ingat ia tak ingin kau sakit. Pasangan hidup adalah orang yang kau tahu bisa mengembalikan senyummu saat hidup membuat kerutan kerutan di dahi dan pipimu. Pasangan hidup adalah sosok yang dengan bangga kau kenalkan pada dunia sebagai orang di balik bahagia dan sukses di hidupmu. Sesederhana karena kau tahu tanpa dukungannya, langkahmu tak akan sampai sejauh itu.

Pasangan hidup juga yang akan lebih mendekatkanmu pada Penciptamu. Yang akan lebih membuatmu menyayangi kedua orang tuamu dan juga orang tuanya yang kini juga setara dengan ayah ibumu di rumah. Pasangan hidup adalah yang selalu menyebutmu dalam doanya, hanya karena ia tahu ia cuma manusia biasa; yang tak bisa 24 jam ada di sampingmu untuk menjagamu, maka ia pasrah memberikan penjagaannya pada Penciptamu.

Jangan kira aku sudah terlalu bijak dalam menjalani hidup karena menuliskan hal hal di atas. Aku bukan siapa siapa. Hanya perempuan penuh dengan mimpi dan masih mencari dengan siapa kelak ia akan mewujudkan semua mimpinya. Masih ada jiwa tak bernama yang selalu ada dalam doaku. Semesta belum mempertemukan kami, tapi aku percaya kami sama sama tengah saling menyiapkan diri.

Untukmu yang mungkin saat ini sudah menemukan pasangan hidupmu, berbahagialah. Jadikan ia sosok yang setiap saat kau menatapnya, kau bersyukur atas hidup yang diberikan Tuhan karena telah mempertemukan kalian.

Untukmu yang saat ini belum yakin apakah orang yang selalu kau genggam tangannya itu pasangan hidupmu atau bukan, maka jalani saja apa yang telah kalian perjuangkan. Yakinkan niat dalam diri dan berdoalah, semoga hidupmu mengarahkan kepada orang yang tepat. Harus diingat bahwa mengarahkan pada orang yang tepat mungkin akan melewati pertemuan dengan orang yang tidak tepat. Jika keadaan itu datang, tetaplah bersyukur. Kau tak akan pernah tahu apa itu benar ketika hidup tidak menunjukkan padamu apa itu salah.

Untukmu yang saat ini mungkin memiliki takdir yang sama denganku. Nikmati saja perjalanan hening ini. Kau tidak akan tahu bahagianya ditemani jika kau tidak menikmati sepi. Terus jadilah pribadi terbaik, yang terbaik yang kau inginkan kelak untuk sosok terbaik pasangan hidupmu nanti. Sebaik apa kau menginginkan pribadi pendampingmu, maka jadilah demikian. Semesta tak pernah mendustai doa dan usaha. Kelak, sosok itu akan datang. Mungkin di saat yang kau duga, tapi mungkin hidup akan memberimu kejutan. Selamat menikmati sunyi. Aku sendiri juga sedang menikmatinya sekarang. Kau tak sendiri.

Untuk siapapun sosok di luar sana, ada jiwamu dalam setiap doa. Aku tak menginginkan takdir terlalu cepat mempertemukan kita jika memang belum saatnya. Semua yang terlalu itu pasti banyak tak baiknya. Pemilik semesta lebih mengerti kapan waktu itu akan datang. Kita hanya dididik untuk lebih sabar menunggu. Karena itu akan lebih baik dari memperbaiki hati yang patah, yang mungkin entah sekian kalinya kau dan aku alami. Kepadamu jiwa yang entah, sampai bertemu dalam setiap doa. Kelak takdir akan berbaik hati mewujudkan doa doa kau dan aku dalam kejutan indah yang ditawarkan hidup hanya untuk kita.

Yk, 280915

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Till Then

Hi, You!

A brief meeting with you today.

Still a bliss for me although not much moments were shared.

I guess I have not so much things left to say.

Believe it or not, last night I shed a tear in the corner of my eyes after all I said about you in my prayer.

Remember when I say, whenever I miss you, I’ll turn to Allah.

So that’s what I did last night.

I read a few surat Al-Quran that you used to read when you’re my Imam

And then I pray.

I said everything that I couldn’t say to you directly, I said it to Allah.

And after all of that, out of nowhere there came my tears.

Just so you know it’s been months since the last time I cried, and last night, I’m quite happy that you’re the reason.

Not because you made me sad, but because I get to say what I really want to say.

Soft shady brown eyes, I don’t think you’re going to believe this, but thank you.

2 months of togetherness that we shared has led me to be a better me.

A better human, A better creation of Allah.

You made me this way and I can’t thank you enough.

For whatever will come in our way, till the moment I write this for you, I am happy.

I am happy for the things we have and don’t, for the things we realize and don’t.

You are still in my prayer.

Seeing you today is quite enough to heal my missing feeling.

Hopefully life still be kind enough to let us meet again, even though no one knows when.

See you when I see you, soft shady brown eyes.

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Because You Are

Al-Fajr

It doesn’t only bring me closer to Allah but then I remember you.

Soft shady brown eyes, if only our path will cross again tomorrow.

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Lost Stars

“Please don’t see just a girl caught up in dreams and fantasies. Please see me, reaching out for someone I can’t see.”

Hey, you…

How have you been?

It’s barely a week and I think I have missed you a little too much.

I miss all the moment we’ve shared

Feels like looking at your picture isn’t enough.

I can still remember on our last 2 days together and you’re lying next to me.

I have to hold the urge to brush my hand over your head and tell you what I feel.

About how happy I am that our path crossed, on how lucky I am to get to know you better.

To know the side of you that not much people in the group knows.

To be honest, meeting you and get to know you has given me a strength.

I used to be a weak girl that has so much to say about her past.

But then you come and changed me. Changed me the way I want to be changed.

Change me into a better person. Change me to be more positive about my own life.

Change me to be a better muslimah and get closer to Allah.

Your voice in the break of the dawn as a muadzin is something I always missed.

Being your makmum is something I always cherish.

Laughing at your jokes always made my blood ran a little faster on my veins.

Listening to your opinion on things always opened up my mind.

Looking at you from the distance and how my smile always formed from it is something I want to have a repeat.

Listening and singing the old songs like we used to do is something I always want to do again.

That one moment I got to wake you up from your sleep and found that you’re asleep with the sound of Al-Quran’s reading next to you is something I adore.

Your company at dawn when I washed the laundry is something I used to wait for.

That moment I fixed the scar in your back is the moment I felt my hand trembles from the nerve feeling you sent.

And all other moments we shared, I always remember.

Didn’t I promise you one thing from my previous note?

That whenever I missed you, I’ll pray.

Allah knows better about us, yes?

In fact, what I feel right now, I believe it is because of Allah.

For every salam I sent to you in my prayer, for every time I whisper your name (sometimes a little louder) in my prayer…

Soft shady brown eyes, I miss you…

“Don’t you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow. Yesterday I saw a lion kissed a deer.”

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Alive

I always think that meeting you again will be the slimmest chance life could offer,

but then today’s twilight brought us in the same line

A sight for sore eyes, as always, hm?

Today, it was more than that for me.

With you cleaned up pretty nice, it’s not just about the look,

but all my feelings that you brought together.

I never intended to push our fate.

If it’s our time to meet, then it is.

Meeting you is already a bliss for me, so no, I won’t push anything.

If ever come the time that somehow I miss you, then I’ll let Allah know,

because you make me closer to Him and I believe He knows everything better than fate.

Dear soft shady brown eyes,

Thank you for being the orange in my twilight sky today.

Somehow I found that your pair of brown eyes captured the twilight sky better than the sky itself and made not only the sun set, but my heart fell deeper.

Universe, thank you for the meeting you gave today.

Everytime I took a glance at him, my heart beat faster and somehow I needed to worked hard to caught my breath.

I’m not asking much, but please tell him, today he made me feel alive.

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Once A While In Life

Once a while in life, you meet people who makes you want to change.

Not because that people force you to it, but only because you are becoming a better version of yourself when you are with him

Not because that people want you to change for them, but because you want to be a better human.

Once a while in life, you meet people that makes you rethink everything about life

That makes you rethink everything about the past.

Not to make you regret everything, but to make you realize you can have a better life in the future without any regret need to be done.

To make you believe again in yourself, to make you forget anything in the past that used to let you down in the present.

Once a while in life, you meet people that makes you smile a little wider than usual.

That makes you a little happier than you used to.

Not only because they throw jokes at you to make you laugh, but to make you happier than any other moments ever given in your life.

Once a while in life, you meet people that makes you want to hide your feelings.

Not because they scare you, but because you don’t want to ruin everything

Because you don’t want to change the good things about you and them.

Because you want to be more careful about your heart, about letting it falls for another heart.

Once a while in life, you meet people you never thought you would ever want to get close to, but now you do.

Once a while in life, you meet people you never think could ever change your life to a better muslimah.

Once a while in life, you find yourself can’t get a certain person out of your mind.

Once a while in life, I meet you.

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Please, Not Too Long

Feels like it’s just a moment ago you come back, and now you’re not here.

Feels like letting go that “missing you” feeling is not done yet, but now I have to feel the same thing again.

Sometimes I wonder if this feeling is the right feeling to feel.

Wondering if this ever worth every memories, every seconds that we get to shared.

Wondering if after this you even remember me, or am I ever run in your mind?

Should I let this feeling go any further?

Should I let this feeling go any deeper?

Will you just promise me something, universe?

Don’t bring him away too long.

It’s about counting the days until I have to let him go and accept the fact that I may not see him ever again.

Don’t bring him far too long, universe.

Because when I miss him, that is when misery becomes me.

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Missing

Never thought missing you has done such effects on me.

Bad mood, no apetite for food, hard to smile.

It’s been two days over due and you haven’t come back.

How have you been?

I thought I dreamt about you last night.

It’s blurred but I know you’re close.

I wish you’re here.

I’m not hoping for a long talk or laugh if it’s too much to ask.

I just want to see you; see you laugh, see you smile, even if it all just from the distance.

Is it too much to ask?

Dear universe, I miss him maybe too much.

I miss the one I probably shouldn’t have missed.

I miss the one that may not even ever think about me.

But one thing or the other, I miss him.

Just to sit next to him, or listen and sing old songs with him.

Just to hear his voice.

Soft shady brown eyes, is there anyway on Earth that you could come back any faster?

This girl who choose to adore you and let you know through every whisper in every prayer is missing you. All a little too much.

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My Letters Becomes You

I thought I’d see you yesterday, but it seems like I have to wait at least for another day.

I can’t believe what the last 7 weeks has done to me. To you.

In the first weeks, I didn’t even think about talking to you if I don’t have to.

But now, it’s been 3 days since the last time we talk to each other and I miss you a little too much already.

Is it okay if I feel this way?

Because sometimes in my prayer I would whisper your name a little too loud just because I wish I could say directly to you what I really want to say.

To say that maybe I miss you. To say that I want us to talk again.

I want to laugh on your joke. I want to smile secretly behind everything that you do.

Sometimes just watching you being serious with your laptop on your lap already forming a smile on my face.

Sometimes when you use term of endearment to me, a part of me wants to believe you called me that way, just me not to another girls in the house.

Maybe I hope too much. Maybe I have dream a little too far.

But nothing’s wrong with hope and dream right?

Because there are the place where everything begin.

One day, if somehow you get to read everything I have written about you,

You have to know:

the only one I miss in every prayer time, the only person I miss to see in the front porch, and the only owner of soft shady brown eyes;  is you.

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Salam

Sometimes I wonder whether I have ever crossed your mind, because it seems like you never leave mine since the moment you stole my heart.

I can’t even tell the precise moment when that happened, but I know for sure, it’s a little hard for me to let go. To let you go.

It’s not just one time that I imagine we have a talk, just both of us, about random things.

I know this happened yesterday when I was on the back of your motorcycle and we’re on a ride together.

We talk about things, and somehow I fall in love more with the way you’re being your serious self.

Maybe we can have a repeat some other time, yes?

If one day that “talk” happen again, I always wonder if it will tell more about you, and more about me to ourselves.

But for anything that you have given, for every smile, for every gaze, for every laugh, for every warmth I always feel when I’m next to you, thank you.

One question that always come to my mind: “Did the universe ever send you the greetings I always send to you in every prayer?”

I really hope it did.

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