Me, You and Waiting

I don’t know to whom should I address this note. There are a few that have come to my mind but one that occassionally I whispered in my prayer. So maybe this will be addressed to him.

It’s you soft shady brown eyes. Always been you.

How are you? I haven’t heard from you quite a while. Enjoying life I guess. Saw your photo with a woman few days ago, so I think your life goes on much better than mine.

Well, not that I am not enjoying life. I am. It’s just, have you ever feel that somehow you felt that your life has a giant hole in it? That somehow you feel incomplete? Maybe that is what I am feeling right now.

Lots of people have said to me that I shouldn’t judged myself from my past. That I shouldn’t be so hard on myself based on my past. That I am a whole lot better than anyone ever judged me. That I am a beautiful, independent woman that one day deserves my own happy ending with so-called love and relationship. I always try my hardest to make myself believe that. But I never know things can be harder than any hard things I’ve ever faced in life.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to believe it. I do. It’s just so hard. I keep convincing myself but in the end I keep stumbled upon my own thoughts reminiscing moments in the past. I hate that I remember things too well. I sometimes hate myself that feels all the feelings too much. Seems like nothing I can do to fix it.

Ever wonder that maybe you have too much love inside of you? That maybe you need to share it? I tried once, you know. Sharing my love, with lots of sacrifices and dedications, but it only ended up with me making my spouse chained. Stuck for things that he wasn’t ready.

Then I asked myself, is there any other way you can love someone that won’t include sacrifice and dedication from the pure heart? I never stop wondering.

I am giving it all to fate. I know things will happen when the time is right. But life never taught me a good deed about waiting.

To you, whoever that life has prepared for me. I am here. I don’t know when will our path be crossed and we will spend the rest of our lives together, but I am here. I know you will come when your time is right. I know life will surprised me, but please don’t take your time too long. Waiting has never been my middle name.

To soft shady brown eyes, I wonder if you ever even think of me? I wonder if you ever know that sometimes I look at our photo in my phone before I sleep and smile at it? I wonder if you ever miss singing the old song playlist together? I wonder. I always do.

Because I always remember how I felt safe when I was riding with you. How happy I was when we laugh over silly things together. How happy I was when you do stuffs from me. And how groggy I was when I woke you up from your slumber that morning. I wonder if you ever notice I always bought the morning snack that you love and put it in the front desk of the boys room for you. I wonder if you know how I love to hear your voice as a muadzin and imam. Have you ever think of it? I’m sorry but I have missed you too much. I really do.

Tu me manques, W.


About ayundazikrina

Woman with dreams
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