A woman can dream, can she?
But what if she has dreamed too long, and now she has just little faith left that all her dreams might get real?
That pretty much sums up what I feel now.
I know I’m barely 21. I haven’t even finish my college. I know I still got a long way ahead of me. But looking around, everything seems to goes on so fast that I felt left out.
I don’t have to tell you anymore, how many of my friends are now hitched. 2 of them already got their kid and the other one got the bun in the oven. And me? Here I am looking in the mirror and said to myself, “what on earth are you doing?”.
Good stuff takes time. I know. It’s what I keep reminding myself. But do you know how hard it is too keep convincing yourself the same thing over and over again for such a long period of time? it’s started to get a little frustrating.
I know I shouldn’t have thinking too much about this. There are still a lot of stuff I haven’t got done. But still, I just can’t help myself.
Another cousin’s wedding happened yesterday and another one is just around the corner. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. Both couple look like a match made in heaven. They are lucky to have each other. Their husband (my cousins) are ones of the good men, even the one that got married yesterday started it all in high school. Yep, practically speaking they’re high school sweethearts that finally start their future together. I don’t have to talk about the wedding that comes around the corner. That couple is one of the reason I can get envy every time I open my social media.
My point, it’s been just two years I have this “single woman” predicate labelled to my not-so-beautiful body, but it already feels like ages. Women and couples around me are making their way to the happiness of a lifetime, and I'[m still being a pathetic woman who all that she can do is being envy to practically all the happy couples around them.
I still dream. I still am. Even now I dream with a little worry and a little caution. I’m scared that if I have my dreams too high, I’m not ready to take the fall. I’m scared that my past still overshadow my dreams. There are still some nights that I find myself crying before bed, hoping things to get better, and hoping if only my dreams can ever get through. That if only I can have a man by my side. The one I hopelessly in love with.
I never asked for a perfect man. I am already too crazy to understand that such thing is not exist. A woman deserved to be understood, right? I just need that. A man that can understand me. All my faulty, my worry, my tears, my laughs, my dreams. I never said loving me is an easy thing to do. It never was and it never will. I realized maybe I am too hard to be loved and that’s one of the reason I’m writing these pathetic, self-pitying lines in the first place. I’m over punctual, too rigid, emotional, short-tempered woman. I have no intention of joking when I write those adjectives. Yes, that’s me. But again, every woman deserved to be understood, right?
Pardon my frustrated slash desperate lines. Can’t help myself. But for the sake of the truth, I do kind of frustrated now. When every one’s life seems going equivalently to a “happily ever after” plot, mine seems like it’s going for an ugly-duckling-life plot. I know eventually at the end of the story that duck turns out not so ugly, but still, waiting is not my best game. I have never been good with patience my whole life.
I don’t want to push my destiny. I still believe that every thing has its own time. It’s just maybe I’m already too scared, I’m already tired
of being alone.